CONAN VERSUS THOR!!
January 15th 2007 11:25
"What If Thor of Asgard Had Met Conan the Barbarian?
Before I get started with tonight's review, it occurs to me that I need to explain one thing to potential readers who may not be that familiar with the What If series. This is how it works - a writer takes one situation that has already happened in a Marvel Comic, and makes it happen another way. Then he or she explores the consequences of these new actions. Said consequences usually involve the brutal murder of Spider-Man where possible. It's sorta like that Gwyneth Paltrow movie, but with more death rays and explosions, and narrated by a big-headed guy in a toga.
Which Thor story this issue spins out of is well beyond me, but it apparently involved him walking through a magic cave and emerging in Troy. In this instance Thor takes a left turn at Albuquerque, and ends up in the Hyborian Age instead, amnesiac and significantly weakened. He runs into a patrol who are hunting Conan the Barbarian, and this is where we get into the Big Misunderstanding phase that all these team-ups have:
Now admittedly, this misunderstanding is a bit more valid than most - Conan has just dumped a ton of rocks on Thor's head! Thor sums it up best, really: "I know not who thou art, scoundrel. But I recognize an act of enmity... Nor shall I let it pass unanswered. If thou dost seek battle, thou shalt suffer matchless blows, 'til I have pummeled thee to dust!" He might be amnesiac, but he still remembers how to deliver a killer ultimatum. Which leads us to the moment that everyone who bought this thing plunked down a buck for...
And then... it's over. Conan expresses his respect for Thor, Thor does likewise, Conan gives Thor a sword (no subtext, it's all pure manliness!) and off they go for a career in general thievery and wenching. But noble Thor is not satisfied with such base acts, and feels drawn to seek out the gods. Namely, Crom, the god Conan himself worships.
Crom lives on a big mountain in Cimmeria, so Thor and Conan decide to climb it (after a gratuitous yet awesome battle with man-eating pigs). So they climb the mountain, and Conan, who probably didn't want to be there anyway, decides to wuss out and go back to the bottom. But Thor continues, and eventually comes face to face with...
Crom knows who Thor is, and this cures Thor's amnesia. But Crom doesn't want some future god interfering with his world, so he grabs Thor's hammer Mjolnir and casts it deep into the bowels of the earth. Then he tells Thor to begone, and Thor slinks off like a dog that's had a boot in the arse (which happens, like, never). Thor's not done, though - he meets back up with Conan and together they decide to track down Mjolnir. Since it's the Hyborian Age, the hammer has of course been appropriated by a wizard of Stygia (it's like Egypt, with snakes) named Thoth-Amon.
Thoth-Amon is using Mjolnir to control the local weather, and Thor and Conan waste no time in investigating. Conan's idea of 'investigation' runs a little like this:
They bust in on Thoth-Amon about to use Mjolnir to sacrifice some wench to his god Set. Thor has different ideas, and engages the wizard while Conan fights Serpent Men.
So Thor commands Mjolnir to strike them both with lightning. Thoth-Amon is burnt to a crisp (a minor setback if you're a villain) and Thor, in his still-weakened state, ain't so flash either. He delivers his dying monologue in Conan's loving arms...
And so Conan fulfills Thor's dying wish - he climbs the mountain to deliver Mjolnir to Crom, though none know if he ever made it to the top...
TOMORROW: WHAT IF WOLVERINE HAD LIVED DURING THE AGE OF CONAN THE BARBARIAN?
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