CONAN VS. WOLVERINE!!!
January 21st 2007 10:05
What If Wolverine Had Lived During the Age of Conan the Barbarian?
This is part two of my supposed two-day interlude, which has somehow characteristically extended itself to eight days. Last time Conan rumbled with the Norse God of Thunder, and this time it's the Canadian mutant, adamantium clawed and hairy-shouldered, Wolverine.
I'm noticing something about the titles of these things. On the cover they promise WHAT IF WOLVERINE BATTLED CONAN! But inside, it's stuff like "What If Wolverine had Lived at the same time as Conan?" Misleading, I tells ya - a title like that could have them doing anything together from fighting to drinking to knitting.
Anyway, this story spins out of the all-time classic X-Men story, The Dark Phoenix Saga. There is a bit in there where Wolverine ends up in the Watcher's house. The Watcher is the guy who narrates all of the What If stories - he's a bald alien in a toga who lives on the moon and watches Earth, never yet always interfering in it's events. Anyway, the Watcher is pissed to find Wolverine in his house, and bounces him around through a few different dimensions to teach him a lesson. And that's where this issue's What If comes in - in an alternate dimension, the Watcher got extra-pissed and left Wolverine in the Hyborian Age. When Conan lived
The Hyborian Age is not complete without some wench to rescue, and Wolvie gets that within about five seconds.
Ah, the good old days, when the only things Wolvie was allowed to use his claws on were robots and the occasional dinosaur. Now usually in the Hyborian Age, such a scenario would end with the damsel offering herself to her rescuer, but obviously that only happens for Conan because she's shuffled off-stage right quick. Besides, she's obviously down with Karanthes, Priest of Ibis, and his pimp cane.
Karanthes directs Wolvie to the nearest city, were we can only assume that he's going to bump into Conan soon enough.
Now Conan's up to his usual tricks, but in actuality he's mourning for his recently deceased love Belit, super-hot pirate queen. And that's when a bad guy shows up, because bad guys always know to appear when the good guy is at his lowest. The bad guy is Zukala, E-Vil Wizard, and he has an offer - if Conan brings him the priest Karanthes, he will restore Belit to life. See where this is going kids?
Back to Wolverine, who is appropriating some clothes from a drunk, as only he can:
But it gets better! He's been seen by none other than Red Sonja, She-Devil With A Sword, and originator of the chainmail bikini! Hi-jinks ensue!
Yes, they've resurrected that old chestnut - Sonja looks exactly like Jean Grey, otherwise known as Phoenix, and also Wolvie's big love interest. Thankfully this is comics, so it doesn't lead to nutty romantic comedy - it leads to TWO-FISTED ACTION IN THE MIGHTY MARVEL MANNER!
In actuality it's a short battle, and this time it does end with Sonja offering herself to Wolverine. Which is also the oppsoite of how things work for Conan, come to think of it. Of course Logan declines because he's a nice guy when he's not headbutting drunks, and he heads off to have a beer. Sonja follows, romantic tension ensues, but then Conan rides by and all thoughts of kissing are forgotten.
Sonja and Wolvie follow Conan, who's there to kidnap Karanthes. In the latest of a long line of staggering coincidences, it turns out that Karanthes is under Sonja's protection. Which can lead to just one thing.
Luckily there's a magic sword in this plot for Conan to use, one that Wolverine can't just cut to pieces on a whim. And without that advantage, Conan just hands Wolverine his ass. Check it out.
Now you can't tell by actually looking at the art, but that's Conan hitting Wolverine in the neck with a sword. Apparently. The weird thing is, Wolverine appears to be enjoying the whole process. I have no words to explain, so I take solace in the awesomeness of Conan.
Conan leaves with Karanthes and Sonja as his captives, leaving Wolvie to die. But even in alternate dimensions Wolverine is worth too much money to Marvel, so he comes back to life (that or the mutant healing factor). But his brain's been starved of oxygen, and he's gone completely mental, which can only be heading to a rematch.
Sure enough Wolvie tracks Conan down to the lair of Zukala, where Sonja is about to be sacrificed so Belit can be resurrected. Naturally more fighting happens. But this time Berserk Wolvie hands Conan his ass.
But Conan doesn't have some poncy healing factor to save him. In true manly fashion he CAUTERIZES THE WOUND IN RED-HOT COALS. So he lost round 2, but won in coolness factor.
Meanwhile, Zukala needs to distract Wolvie, so he's opened a portal back to The Dark Phoenix Saga. This is important later.
Conan's decided that he doesn't want to sacrifice Sonja after all, and Zukala has a plan for that as well - summon a demon from hell for Conan to fight. Wolverine's head clears, and he uses Karanthes' awesome pimp cane to banish the demon, but Conan falls - into the portal! So it's a happy ending for all (except Conan and the promptly beheaded Zukala). Which is all fine and dandy by me!
Well, all fine and dandy until the ridiculous epilogue, where Conan ends up in the middle of the Dark Phoenix Saga, mistakes Jean for Sonja, and dooms the universe by beaning Cyclops with a rock. Hey, it's What If - can't have a happy ending there!
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