Chronological Fantastic Four Read-Through (#5)
November 4th 2006 08:41
FANTASTIC FOUR #5 by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby
This is it - the comic that catapulted Fantastic Four from 'good comic' to 'very good comic'. ('Great comic' comes down the line a bit further, followed by 'legendary comic' and 'not as good as it used to be comic'.)
It's the introduction of Doctor Doom, but as always, these things begin with scenes of the Human Torch and the Thing fighting.
This is pretty standard for the early issues of the FF, and scenes like this one helped cement there reputation as characters with real feelings and emotions, who quarreled like real families. That's not why I posted this, though. It's not even for the cool scene of Johnny reading a Hulk comic (which had just debuted in the real world). It's for the Thing, and the dainty way he's holding his cup of tea. Some tough guy he is.
Anyway, as always happens when heroes are shown sitting around with nothing to do, villains show up so this thing is worth paying 12 cents for. Doctor Doom unveils the first in a long line of Awesome Plans.
Ah, it's the old 'electrified net over the skyscraper' trick! But who is this Doctor Doom? Why is he attacking, apart from the usual ill-defined nefarious scheming? This here is everything you need to know about our vulture-owning friend at this point:
Forgive me for cutting off the bottom of those panels - MS Paint is a wilful slave.
So, with the FF in his electric-netted clutches, Doom kidnaps the perennial hostage also known as the Invisible Girl, and orders the FF to do his bidding. He takes them to his hidden castle which is like, minutes away from New York (!) and tells them to go back in time and retrieve Blackbeard's treasure chest, with Merlin's magical gems inside. Pirates. Time travel. Merlin. Awesome.
So Doom sends the FF (the three male ones, anyways) back in time with a 48 hour time limit (which makes no sense at all, I tells ya!). They look a bit conspicuous in their modern-day getup, but luckily they spot a couple of blaggards who have stolen a whole lot of clothes. Must have been all part of Doom's master plan. Or something. But it leads us to this, so all is well:
Pirate FF! But watch out for that pretty barmaid Benjamin Grimm, for she has the evil in her heart that all pretty women possess (pretty women please ignore above comment)! She's really on the lookout for slaves for a pirate crew, and feeds them some 'grog' to put them to sleep. Man, that's some Public Service Announcement from Stan there - don't drink 'grog' kids, you'll end up pulling oars in a pirate galley!
But of course no mere pirate galley can hold the Thing for long, and he duly smashes his way to freedom. If you look closely, you might even notice Reed and Johnny in this comic. The FF subdue the pirates, who declare, "Stay back! It is death to defy the miraculous ones!" But suddenly, another pirate ship attacks. The FF retaliate, with the Thing wielding the mainmast like a baseball bat. And with the Evil Pirates defeated, it's time for the Less Evil Pirates to declare...
So forget everything you learned about Edward Teach in school. It was really the Thing, smacking pirates up with the mizzenmast. Reed and Johnny make the obvious conclusion - they've been sent back in time to find themselves! Which also means that they already have the treasure chest they need, containing more bling than Mr. T's bedside table. Reed dumps the treasure and fills it with worthless chains. He has a semantic argument to lay on Doom later - though they agreed to deliver the chest, they said nothing of the treasure within it! This is disputable, actually. At one point Doom asks them to bring Blackbeard's treasure chest, but just a few panels earlier he asked them to bring the legendary treasure of Blackbeard! Meet Reed Richards, lying scumbag. I'll be pointing this out to all of the Civil War detractors out there! (Which is me, actually. So never mind.)
But the Thing has other ideas, as you can see above. And dig that scarf with the pink polkadots. The Thing's manly reputation is taking a battering here, but nevertheless he has been accepted, so he has Reed and Johnny wrapped up in the sails and put overboard. As is the way of such things, a freak tornado comes along and completely wrecks the ship. The Thing comes to his senses after the FF are washed up on a desert island, but nothing is said of the survival of the Less Evil Pirates. And then, treasure chest in hand, the FF are brought back into the present.
Alas, Doctor Doom does not appreciate the wit of Reed's little semantic argument, and opens fire with a ray gun. The Thing retaliates, and we get our first glimpse of a Doc Doom staple, the Doombot.
These things get seriously annoying after a while, when they're being used to explain just about every appearance of Dr. Doom that John Byrne disagrees with (don't kill me people of the John Byrne Forum, I'm exaggerating for effect!). As far as I know this is the only time Stan and Jack use one, but it's a part of the mythos that later writers latched on to, and it almost always gets some sort of reference whenever Doom reappears nowadays.
This of course means that the real Doctor Doom is still at large, and like any true evil mastermind he has a deadly trap ready and waiting, as well as a cool monitor with which he can gloat to his enemies."Naturally!" he says. "I am in a hidden room far above you! A room from which I shall now press a button draining your chamber of all oxygen! Farewell, Fantastic Four!
Ok, so some of you might be wondering what Sue's been doing this whole time. Seems she's been out powdering her nose or something, which is really about all she's good for in these early issues. But no, she's actually been a prisoner of the Doc, and now is her chance to be useful.
Which makes me realise something. Reed saves the day in issue #2, by fooling the Skrulls with clippings from comic books. Johnny saves the day in #3 by blinding the Miracle Man. The Thing is the savior in #4 when he walks into a giant sea monster with an atomic bomb strapped to his back (that phrase must always be bolded). This issue, Sue saves the FF by short-circuiting Doom's machine. I have no idea if it was deliberate, Stan Lee has a memory like a sieve, and Jack Kirby is dead, so I guess we'll never know. Seems cool, though.
Anyway, Doom shakes his fist and escapes on a jetpack, as seen a few posts ago. God, I love this comic. I say this a lot, but it's just fun. Marvel superheroes don't travel back in time to fight pirates any more. It's all Registration This and House of M that. Needs more of the Thing smacking people on the bonce with a mast, that's what.
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Comment by AnthonyB
WOW!! Trippy ! Thanks for the advertising you left on my blog ! Nah, this was cool. I enjoyed reading it !
Fantastic Work !!
=- Anthony