Henry10BAXTER BUILDING LAUNCHED INTO OUTER SPACE!!!
January 10th 2007 14:23
"Captives of the Deadly Duo!"
I've been reviewing issues of the Fantastic Four in order, but life, the holiday period, and general indolence means that I stalled after issue #5. Nevertheless, the chronological reviews have returned, and this is what I'm proposing: firstly, I'm never going to make it through all 500-odd issues of this comic, so I need a decent cut-off point. That cut-off point comes with the end of Jack Kirby's run on the title. If I make it to #102, I'll be happy, and then the Chronological Review will switch over to whatever else has taken my fancy at the time. (Besides, everyone will be sick of the Fantastic Four by then, if such a thing is humanly possible).
Which brings us to issue #6, and one of the greatest super-villain team-ups to ever menace the Earth. But more on that later - as ever these early issues open with scenes of the FF going about their everyday lives. Of course their everyday lives involve scouting for Doctor Doom (at least if you're the Human Torch - Sue just seems to be wandering aimlessly about while invisible). The Torch is spotted flying back to the Baxter Building, but the hat-wearing citizens of Marvel New York are a lovably skeptical bunch:
Sue hurries inside, obviously to avoid those naturally occurring fire-men that bedevil the skies. Sue is notably detrimental and useless to the team this issue - even more so than usual! She starts off by revealing the secrets of the FF's private elevator to a random postman, and things just go downhill later on.
Reed is indulging his ego by perusing fan letters, and he even acts the nice guy by stretching over the street to visit a sick kid in hospital. Of course, it's all to brag:
Guy never misses an opportunity to deliver exposition, does he? As far as I'm aware that's the first ever explanation of the ever-useful unstable molecules, one of many comic book conventions used to cover over things that Don't Make Sense (tm).
For a basic scene-setter, the beginning of this issue has a lot of firsts - the next of which is the Yancy Street Gang. They begin as a group who basically exist just to annoy the Thing, and at one point it was revealed that the Thing used to be a member and at another point it was revealed that all of their pranks were done by the Torch and at this point I have no clue what their status is. For the purposes of this review, ignore that sentence past the first comma.
But enough of the setting up, now is the time for action! The Thing laments that he needs someone strong to fight, like Namor or Doctor Doom. As is the way of such things, that's exactly what he's gonna get, but it makes you wonder what would happen if the heroes just shut their mouths once in a while... Anyway, we turn to Namor, who is chillaxin' with his dolphin pals (but not in an Aquaman creepy sex kinda way). But someone's watching him, and that's when we get the aforementioned GREATEST SUPER-VILLAIN TEAM-UP OF ALL!
Fact: that last panel is one of the five best sentences ever committed to paper. Fact: all five sentences come from comic books. Eat it Shakespeare.
Anyway, Namor's not down with Doom's master plan - he's still digging what Sue Storm's got. He's a fish-man in love (with quite possibly the coolest armchair in existence). But Doom isn't the sort of guy who gives up...
Those three panels? Also in the top five.
With Namor on his side, Doom reveals his latest invention: the grabber. Sounds unpleasant, I know, but it's just a little cylinder that can fly about and lift just about anything with magnetic force. That's when Doom does one of those awesome bits where he's about to tell the Sub-Mariner his plan, and the scene cuts away so we don't hear it and we won't know what's up until he UNLEASHES HIS MATCHLESS GENIUS ON THE HATED FANTASTIC FOUR! He's so devious.
While Namor makes his way to the Baxter Building (looking mighty handsome in those speedos, I might add, not that I'm inclined that way of course), the Torch finds a photo that belongs to Sue - a photo of Namor! Seems she's diggin' Namor in his speedos as well. The Torch burns the photo, and I'll just say that he's lucky he doesn't have a mother because I know what happens when you wreck your sister's stuff. The FF are suitably upset, and all that Sue has to say is that he's "gentle" and "lonely" (I think she left out "sexy in speedos"). Right on cue, the Sub-Mariner enters the room, and things really get underway.
The Torch and Namor fight each other for a bit, despite Sue's protests. Doesn't she realise that it's a contractual obligation? Rather uncharacteristically, the Torch gets completely owned - Namor shrugs off all his attacks, until Johnny's flame runs out. (You know, I mentioned Sue being fairly useless in this issue, but Johnny's about the same...)
Namor doesn't retaliate, but claims that he has come in peace. Reed is suspicious, as are all men towards those found attractive by their fiancees, but can't find out whether Namor is lying or not (add Reed to the useless list as well). Namor's about to drag Sue out for a night on the town, when disaster strikes...
The FF each try to solve the problem in their own unique way, with little success. Sue faints, which is almost her patented manuever at this stage. Johnny tries to flame on in space, which is probably the dumbest thing he's attempted so far. Reed tries to stretch and grab Doom's plane, and ends up burning his hands in the rocket exhaust (at least his plan makes sense). Ben just gives up, and decides that if he's going to die he'll do it while punching Namor in the face. It's not tactical genius, but he gets closer to his goal than any of the others! And that's when Doom delivers this most awesome speech:
Now there's a thorough archvillain. He's gone to the trouble of stranding his enemies in outer space, which would be enough for most. But Doom is not content! He's going to LAUNCH HIS ENEMIES INTO THE SUN!!!! And not to stop there, he mocks them with his evil humour. Guy's all awesome (oh, and also in the top five best sentences).
With the Fantastic Four having proven themselves completely useless (and in their own title, too!) Namor decides it's up to him to deliver the smack himself. He finds a tank full of water in the building, and then performs one of the most bad-ass maneuvers ever:
Never mind that the perspective is all kinds of screwed up - you don't care because Namor just reached Doom's ship by JUMPING FROM ONE HURTLING METEOR TO THE OTHER!!!! and your world has been officially rocked.
Doom magnetizes Namor to the ship, but it's no good - Namor retaliates by making like an electric eel and electrifying the ship's cabin. Doom is forced to make one of the best super-villain escapes of all time:
You know, I could continue by telling you that the FF return (with their skyscraper) safely to Earth, and that Namor heads back to his lonely existence in the sea, but after watching Doom hurtle into space on the back of a rock it's kind of an anticlimax. Don't worry kids: he'll be back!
NEXT: PRISONERS OF KURRGO, MASTER OF PLANET X!
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