Henry10GIANT ROBOT ACTIVATES HOSTILITY RAY - ALIENS SUSPECTED!!!
January 11th 2007 14:44
"Prisoners of Kurrgo, Master of Planet X!"
In the first historic year of the Fantastic Four, this may very well be the least important issue of all. No major recurring villains are featured, none of the comic's staples are introduced, and no one gets punched in any remarkable fashion. But here at The Comic Nerd we are nothing if not thorough, and so - onward! Fantasticness awaits!
This is the villain of today's piece, the titular Kurrgo:
The first thing that springs to mind is that this guy has a great bachelor pad. Projection screen TV, comfy couch, what looks to be a female robotic servant in the background, and that awesome spinny thing with the snacks on it. Check out what's in that doovelacky (all subject to personal interpretation, of course) - he's got a milkshake, salt and pepper shakers, assorted multicoloured foodstuffs of mysterious origin, some ciggies, and what looks to be a bong of some description. This guy is prepared to take on the Fantastic Four - from the comfort of his armchair. He's already the greatest.
It seems that, despite technology one thousand years in advance of our own, Kurrgo's planet is under threat of destruction by a runaway asteroid. It makes me hope that no astral bodies hurtle towards Earth at any point in the next millennium, because Planet X is toast. Says Kurrgo: "You know we only have two space ships on Planet X! For we have never cared for space travel!" Thankfully, Kurrgo has a plan that enables a plot with sweet sweet gratuitous violence - he's sending one of the planet's ships (piloted by his personal robot) to capture the Fantastic Four and bring them back. Because apparently, Reed Richards is a thousand years ahead of his time!!! (Just don't tell him - he'll start spouting exposition or something.)
On Earth, it seems the FF have moved up in the world - they've been invited to Washington for a dinner in their honour. Reed's the only one who wants to attend (the ego, of course), which leads to a series of lame excuses. Though Ben's excuse, that he'd lose his temper and rip the place to pieces, is sublimely over-the-top yet completely believeable coming from him. Nevertheless, Reed's not having a bar of it, so it's off to Washington as Kurrgo's robot arrives on Earth.
And thus begins one of the most needlessly complex plans of all time. First, the robot activates a hostility ray, with awesome results:
This all leads the angered mob, wielding customary wooden clubs, to attack the FF. Seriously, nearly all of these guys whip out perfectly formed wooden clubs at a moment's notice.
I know these things are free in the AD&
Player's Handbook, but it's a stretch! That Hostility Ray didn't have much work to do by the looks of it. Unfortunately it's one of those frustrating fight scenes where the FF can't hit back at their assailants, which satisfies exactly no one.Anyway, the FF fly back to the Baxter Building, with Kurrgo's robot in hot pursuit, leading to fateful confrontation...
Leaving out Reed's amazement at the portable TV (it's a thousand years ahead of our own technology!), and also leaving out a member of the mob carrying what appears to be a rapier, the robot tells it like it is. The FF are now so hated that they will be hunted down by the French Foreign Legion. With no other choice against such overwhelmingly French odds, the FF are forced to board the robot's flying saucer and make their first ever journey to another planet.
Once on Planet X, Kurrgo gives the FF the score (and unfortunately he's left the comfort of his Awesome Chair) - they have 24 hours to save 5 billion of Kurrgo's people from the approaching asteroid. Gratuitous anti-robot violence ensues, but this time the robot doesn't fight back against the FF - once again nobody is satisfied. Eventually the FF agree to help Kurrgo, and Reed heads off to the lab while the others generally act surplus to requirements. With a few hours to spare, Reed unveils his marvellous idea:
So there's an asteroid about to destroy the planet in a couple of hours. There are five billion dudes to be saved. Reed's plan is this - dose them all with the reducing gas, load them in the two ships, and hurry off to another planet where another gas will return them to normal size. Sure, it sounds absurdly impossible in the given time frame to us, but remember: REED IS A THOUSAND YEARS AHEAD OF HIS TIME! HE CAN MAKE THIS WORK!!! So sit down and believe him, silly fanboy.
The FF race back to their ship, with some planet-breaking-up shenanigans to impede them, but the real story is going down in Kurrgo's 'hood.
Kurrgo's fantasy is the greatest thing ever. Just don't read that last speech bubble too quickly. He says flick, kids. FLICK. But as is the way when you are evil, his dreams are not to be:
Ah, done in by that most common of evil mastermind defeats - being hoisted on your own petard! Almost makes you feel sorry for the poor guy - he just wanted to rule his tiny minions with an iron fist. His pathetic end is only compounded by this bombshell:
So according to Reed it's OK to leave these guys small, because they're all small so what does it matter? Never stopping to think of all the much bigger creatures in the universe that might like to cook them or turn them into gold or whatever Gargamel does to Smurfs. Big Kurrgo, tyrant though he might have been, could protect his little guys from harm!
So, another FF issue over and done, and quite possibly the weakest of the bunch. Never fear - it's all uphill from this point.
NEXT: PRISONERS OF THE PUPPET MASTER!
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